Wednesday, May 03, 2006


Thursday, March 17, 2005

The hypocrite's steroid guide
by Jim Caple


"You're a 24-hour sports network that shakes its head at Barry Bonds, while you assign a reporter to cover his exploits on a daily basis."

"You're a sports magazine that frequently attacks Bonds on the suspicion that he might have used steroids, but you've also run stories lionizing Bill Romanowski for his workout "regimen'' and you still gush over how big and strong players in the NFL are."

"You're a columnist who frequently holds up the NFL as a shining example of a league with a strict drug-testing policy, even though your own eyes tell you that the policy has done little to keep performance enhancers out of a sport where the players grow bigger, stronger and faster every season."

"You're a fantasy leaguer who chants "Steroids! Steroids!'' at a player when he runs onto the field, even though he was your first pick in your annual draft."

"You're a fan who thought it was great for baseball when Mark McGwire broke the home run record while using andro (now banned by baseball), but you consider it a scandal that Barry Bonds broke that record while possibly using steroids."

Friday, March 11, 2005

Can the players just come clean?
by Skip Bayless

Behold the Glory of Skip Bayless.

"Yet we know there have been lots of "communists" and "witches" in baseball -- lots of steroid users."

"Call me a communist if you like. But I've said for years that professional athletes should have to waive their right to privacy and be tested on a daily basis for performance-enhancing drugs, as well as cocaine and marijuana."

"And don't argue that rock stars also should be hauled before Congress and interrogated about their drug use. Rock stars are mostly anti-heroes, not heroes. Rock stars don't cheat to break cherished home run records. "

"At the very least, I want to watch these baseball players answer a very simple question, under oath, with immunity, before the scheduled congressional hearing March 17: 'Have you used steroids?' "

"But if you've always been clean, wouldn't you relish the opportunity to answer every possible question on steroids before God and country? To preach to kids about the horrors of steroid overdosing during teenage years?"

"I'm even more excited about March 17 than I am about Opening Day. Even if a player takes the Fifth, he'll be admitting guilt in the court of public opinion. Play ball!"

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

"My Quarantine"
J.D.'s desperate efforts to make a good impression on his first date with Kylie go awry when he accidentally initiates a SARS quarantine.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Dr. Heckyll, Mr. Jive & George W. Bush

On August 17, 1998, while playing a set in Austin, Texas at Lucifer’s Happy Bar and Smelting Laboratory, I noticed an unusual group of people sitting at one of the corner tables in the back of the joint. It took me a while to figure it out, but eventually I recognized them. It was
George W. Bush and his entourage. Bush was wearing a bright yellow three-piece suit, while the members of his entourage were all wearing the same black jump suit with matching hats and dark glasses.

The presence of Governor Bush excited me. The only dignitary that had ever watched me perform previously had been former President
Gerald Ford. He had been on hand at our Counter-Live Aid festival near JFK Stadium in Philadelphia in July of 1985. Live Aid attempted to feed the dying children of Africa, but ours was a more ambitious venture. We sought to feed the cats of the dying children of Africa.

Our festival wasn’t as successful as its counterpart. While Live Aid was able to coax Phil Collins into flying across the pond to perform at both venues, we were only able to get the surviving members of
Strawberry Alarm Clock to do so. Live Aid had the highly successful Michael Jackson/Quincy Jones composition “We Are The World” while we had the wildly inappropriate Joe Walsh/Jello Biafra screed “Eat the Pope!!” All told we raised well over $57 thanks to a last minute donation from the University of Michigan.

The thing I regret the most about my 1985 encounter with Ford is that I didn’t invite him up on stage to sing with me. 13 years later I wasn’t going to pass up another opportunity, so after jamming the last few bars of “Harry the Killer Verb” I invited the Governor up on stage to sing
Men At Work’s 1982 hit “Dr. Heckyll & Mr. Jive” with me.

What happened next was, to say the least, unexpected. Governor Bush mumbled something about Bobby Valentine and took off in a full sprint toward myself and the stage. A beat after he took off, his entourage of eight fanned out and slowly approached the edges of the stage. I assumed Bush was a big Men At Work fan and anxious to start singing.

As it turned out, the opposite was true. Not only was George W. Bush not a big Men At Work fan, he considered Men At Work to be his mortal enemies. Apparently back in 1981, George W. Bush sent a fan letter to Colin Hay asking for his autograph. Hay never responded.

Months passed and Bush’s bitterness grew. At first, the 35-year-old Bush figured they were busy answering other fan mail and would eventually get to his letter. By the release of their second album, “Cargo” in 1982, Bush had grown manic and paranoid. He began interpreting the songs on the album as secret messages of hate directed specifically towards him.

By June of 1983, Bush had gone mad. He had painted the entire interior of his Houston mansion black, and was spending up to 23 hours a day plotting against Men At Work. The month of April consisted of writing letters to every newspaper in the country calling for the extradition of Men At Work so they could be tried for crimes against humanity. May was not much better as he collected over 50,000 Men At Work tapes, records, lunch boxes, and assorted memorabilia and had it burned in a great bonfire in College Station, Texas.

By July of 1983, George W. Bush’s dad
George Bush was becoming increasingly worried about his son’s bizarre behavior. With a Presidential election coming up, Vice President Bush had to get his eponymous son straightened out somehow. So George Bush planned the mother of all interventions.

On July 4, 1983, Vice President George Bush flew down to Houston with 187 members of the CIA. They entered George W. Bush’s mansion at 11:00 PM. Bush instructed his son that it was high time he straightened out his life. George W. Bush ignored his father and continued sculpting the macramé statue of Colin Hay which he was going to burn in effigy later that night. Father Bush covertly signaled CIA operative (NAME WITHHELD) who injected Son Bush with a mystery CIA serum that immediately rendered him unconscious.

George W. Bush awoke three days later in Baghdad mentoring with Saddam Hussein.

Anyway, my invitation to sing a Men At Work song caused Bush to snap. He jumped up on the stage and began trashing our equipment. As we tried to defend ourselves and our equipment, members of Bush’s entourage would zap us with cattle prods. Nothing escaped Bush’s wrath. His rage fuelled adrenaline rush even allowed him to throw a bassoon completely through one of the walls of the club.

Eventually Governor Bush calmed down. His entourage calmly gathered the club’s patrons and paid them each huge sums of cash to “forget” about what had just happened. Bush quietly exited stage left and two minutes later, the club was empty. I surveyed the stage and noticed every piece of equipment I owned was destroyed beyond proper use.

I also noticed something that made me sad. George W. Bush had made off with the original, penned-in-blood lyrics to my epic song “The Sun is My Life Partner”. I could easily replace the equipment, but the lyrics I simply couldn’t do without.

The next day I went to the Governor’s mansion to retrieve my stolen song lyrics. I rang the door bell and George W. Bush answered. Bush stared at me silently for a minute. I eventually broke the silence and demanded that he return my song lyrics. Bush said nothing. He pulled from his breast pocket a green plastic kazoo, and blew it. Within five seconds a house servant arrived with a beautiful ivory husk. He handed Bush the husk and then there were stars.

Apparently, Bush had knocked me unconscious with the large ivory husk. He then kazooed for his house servant again who promptly returned with a large potatoe sack. Bush, with the help of the servant, threw me into the sack, dragged me to the back of the Governor’s Ford Expedition and drove nonstop south to the Mexican border where he summarily dumped me into the Rio Grande.

The only reason I knew that Bush had done these things while I was unconscious is because Juan the tambourine player was lurking behind one of Governor Bush’s many statues of Jesus Christ (taxpayer-funded of course) filming the entire thing on his beta-max video recorder. Like Marty McFly in
Back to the Future, Juan grabbed a nearby skateboard, grabbed the bumper of the Expedition and followed along. How he managed to stay on the skateboard for the entire journey through south Texas is beyond me, but I’m just happy he did. His final shot of Bush throwing the sack filled with me into the river is priceless.

Juan and I sat on the footage for a while. We were tempted into selling it to CNN during the 2000 election but ultimately held off. I decided instead to try to trade the tape for my beloved song lyrics. I was planning to travel to Washington on August 17, 2004 to make my offer as it would be the sixth anniversary of the seminal event, and according to “Chaelo’s Book of Numerology”, “6” is the seminal number.

Unfortunately, I will not be able to make the trade. It turns out that Juan only has one beta-max tape for his beta-max video recorder. When I was attacked last month in Butte, Montana, Juan taped over the George W. Bush beating and kidnapping caper with the Arnold Rampkin leg beating caper.

Now I will have to devise a new strategy to get my lyrics back. Regardless, there is one thing I know for sure. I cannot in good conscience endorse George W. Bush for President in 2004.

Friday, October 15, 2004

ALCS Prediction (Part III)

Game 5: (Fenway Park) Bud Selig refuses to cancel the game despite 12 straight hours of rain. On the first pitch of the game (lead off home run to Jeter), Schilling plant's wrong and completely shatters his ankle. The bullpen is worse as Red Sox fans endure a massacre at the hands of the hated Yankees. To save their bullpen, Joe Torre allows Jason Giambi to pitch the 7th, 8th, & 9th innings. He strikes out 6, walks 1 and allows no hits. Still shocked from the ending to Game 4, Tim McCarver says nothing but "Derek Jeter" throughout the entire broadcast, shattering the record he set in Game 1. The Department of Mathematics at Massachusetts Institute of Technology will spend the remainder of their semester calculating the mentions of Jeter by McCarver. Meanwhile, Joe Buck decides to channel Dan Rather by ending each inning with the word "courage"
NYY 26 BOS 3
(Boston leads series 3-2)

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

ALCS Prediction (Part II)

Game 4: (Fenway Park) Good times all around to start this one. Red Sox Nation wants a sweep. Instead of batteries, Red Sox management hands out firecrackers to throw at Yankee's right-fielder Gary Sheffield. To denigrate Yankee's left-fielder Hideki Matsui, a local artist paints a mural portraying Godzilla stomping on the Tokyo Tower. Aside from that unpleasantness, Yankee starter Mike Mussina gets shelled. 4 runs in the 1st, 3 in the 2nd, and 2 in the 3rd before he's ultimately pulled for Esteban Loiaza. Things get worse for the Yankees in the 5th inning when Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter each make 2 errors that lead to 3 more runs. Meanwhile, Boston starter Curt Schilling is pitching flawlessly. At the conclusion of the 5th inning, Joe Buck somberly notes that there are 12 more outs to go.

By the 7th inning stretch, Boston is up 13-0. Red Sox management decides to spice up the occasion by forgoing the traditional singing of "God Bless America" to burn a giant statue of Frank Sinatra in effigy. After the demonstration, the din of Red Sox fans at Fenway Park is deafening. Tim McCarver compares the sound to the power of a Bob Gibson fastball while a somber Joe Buck notes that there are 6 more outs to go.

"3 more outs to go" chimes a somber Joe Buck as the 9th inning begins at Fenway Park. Boston sends in Derek Lowe to hold the Red Sox' 13-run lead. The first Yankee batter, Kenny Lofton weekly hits the second pitch right back to Lowe. Lowe throws to first, one away and the Red Sox faithful are in orgasmic ecstasy. "Yankees Suck!!!" can be heard all throughout Massachusetts. Ben Affleck has removed his clothing and is riverdancing on the Yankee's dugout.

"2 more outs to go" chimes a somber Joe Buck as the second batter, Miguel Cairo approaches the plate. Cairo duplicates Lofton's at-bat, but with greater efficiency, by hitting the first pitch back to Lowe. After the second out is made at first Derek Lowe grabs his crotch and moonwalks around the mound while pointing directly at Derek Jeter standing on deck.

"And the Yankees are down to their final out" chimes a somber Joe Buck. Tim McCarver uses his color commentator slot to recite a special poem he'd been saving for just this moment, Derek Jeter's final at-bat. Red Sox fans have stopped chanting "Yankees Suck!!!" and switched to "Jeter Has AIDS!!!" Despite the noise, Jeter manages to single up the middle. "Despite the obvious class of Derek Jeter, this may be too little too late for the Yankees," says Tim McCarver as Jeter takes a small lead off first. The next batter is Alex Rodriguez. By now, Red Sox Nation has completely forgotten about the game and is already singing the Queen anthem "We Are The Champions" They hardly notice when Alex Rodriguez hits one hard off the Green Monster. Manny Ramirez, who has been staring at his hand since the Miguel Cairo at-bat, doesn't realize the ball has been hit until Rodriguez is standing at third with a stand up triple. Boston 13 New York 1.

The next batter is Gary Sheffield. Joe Buck decides that it would be appropriate to discuss steroids and his intense hatred for Barry Bonds as they have for all the Sheffield at-bats during the series. Sheffield hits a double in the gap and it's 13-2. Hideki Matsui is the next batter. Lowe throws the first pitch at his head. Fortunately, the 62 MPH pitch lightly carroms off his helmet, and Matsui is on first. "In Japan, players are used to getting hit in the head with baseballs" says McCarver.

Bernie Williams is the next batter. The Red Sox announcers mistakenly announce John Tesh. Williams angrily points his bat at the PA announcer and proceeds to hit the first pitch completely over the Monster and the Yankees have cut the deficit to 13-5. Doug Mientkiewicz quickly wakes up Terry Francona, who has been drinking and celebrating since the 6th inning and informs him that he may want to warm someone up in the bullpen. Francona calls for Timlin. In the interim, Posada pops up the first pitch to first. Kevin Millar loses it in the lights and Posada is safe at first.

Francona has seen enough and calls for Timlin. Timlin quickly warms up and is ready for John Olerud. The John Olerud at bat lasts 29 pitches. Tim McCarver compares it to the time Pete Rose successfully won on a 14-game parlay during week 10 of the 1979 NFL season. Olerud eventually walks.

"Your attention please," begins the PA, "now batting for Miguel Cairo, steroids and AIDS victim Jason Giambi." The crowd takes time out of its Babylonian revelry to, as Joe Buck would put it, "vociferously heckle the diseased Yankees firstbaseman." Giambi struggles to the plate looking more like 1987 Mark McGwire than the vision we're used to. Giambi valiantly stretches the count full. Giambi then hits the 3-2 pitch out to left for a 3-run homer. He then gimps around the bases a la Kirk Gibson in the 1988 World Series, including the arm pump as he crosses second. Boston 13 New York 8 and Red Sox Nation is silent.

Francona has had enough. Foulke time. As Foulke warms up, the Red Sox crowd gains a little more confidence. There's no way our star closer will blow a 5-run lead with 2 outs in the 9th. Kenny Lofton is the first batter. Lofton, not wanting to ground out on 2 pitches again, takes the first 2 pitches. 0-2 count. Lofton slams his bat against the ground in disgust and slightly cracks the barrel. "Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats," reasons Lofton. The next pitch is a little outside, but straight, and Lofton manages to squibb it in the general direction of first. Kevin Millar, who has been winking at Ben Affleck during the at-bat gets a late break toward the ball, and Lofton beats him to the bag.

"Something interesting may be brewing here in Boston tonight" chimes in Joe Buck. Tim McCarver adds, "they must be feeding off of Derek Jeter." As Derek Jeter steps into the box, the Red Sox fans cheer up a bit and once again begin their "Jeter Has AIDS!!!" chant. Jeter is unfazed and cooly laces a double between Johnny Damon and Manny Ramirez. Cairo and Lofton score and the Yankees have cut the deficit to 3 runs. The next batter is Alex Rodriguez, and the crowd amends it's previous chant to "Jeter Has AIDS From Gay-Rod!!!" Alex Rodriguez is equally unfazed and hits his own double to the exact same spot. Boston 13 New York 11.

"At what point do Red Sox fans start wondering if there's such things as curses?" chimes a somber yet inquisitive Joe Buck. "Right about now" chuckles McCarver.

"Now batting, Gary 'Anabolic' Sheffield!" followed by more boos. "Yankees Suck!!!" returns as the chant de jure. "I bet he's wishing he never met Barry Bonds right about now," proclaims McCarver. But Sheffield is equally unfazed by the Red Sox caterwauling. Foulke throws the first two pitches right by Sheffield and it's quickly 0-2. McCarver reasons, "with Foulke ahead 0-2 in the count, I don't think even Derek Jeter can save them now."
Gary Sheffield then hits the next pitch over the center field wall and the game is tied and somewhere Peter Gammons weeps.

And then it was 13-13 with Hideki Matsui standing at the plate. The crowd inside Fenway Park is dead silent except for a lone heckler repeatedly screaming "Hiroshima!!!" The atomic bomb chant refuses to catch on with the fans, but does with Matsui who singles to left. Francona, aside from being piss drunk, is now paralyzed with fear. He remains frozen on the bench and allows a very rattled Foulke to pitch to Bernie Williams. The first pitch to Williams is wide right and rolls to the backstop. Matsui to second. 1-0 count. Foulke overcompensates on the next pitch and sends it wide left and back to the backstop. Matsui to third. 2-0 count. The next pitch is right back to Foulke. The Red Sox Nation sighs yet Foulke doesn't. Foulke freaks out and throws the ball home, two feet over the head of Varitek. Matsui easily scores. The Red Sox get a reprieve when Williams heads to second and is nailed by Varitek. Inning over but the damage is done. Boston 13 New York 14.

The bottom of the 9th inning gives hope to the Red Sox. Boston manages to load the bases with no outs, but the dreaded Manny Ortez monster never forms. David Ortiz ends the game on a rare unassisted triple play by Derek Jeter. The excitement causes Tim McCarver to begin singing "You Light Up My Life" to the Yankee shortstop. Joe Buck signs off the broadcast with "Wow." 38,000 Red Sox fans go home and beat their wives.
NYY 14 BOS 13
(Boston leads 3-1)

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