Thursday, December 18, 2003

I’m in the mood for Yahtzee

It’s been a long time. The founding of the movement has begun. It is not known why the fish are jumping into the bucket, but they continue to jump and leap and frolic like school tomatoes. My bucket is starting to overflow with fish. All types of fish. Red fish. Blue fish. There are even yellow fish, though they are all dead. By the time the fish had flown, they were already tomatoes. But for whatever reason, the yellow fish did indeed jump. Maybe I’ll contact my attorney.

If that wasn’t enough, the migraines have returned. Massive steel sledgehammers are pounding on the skull that is filled with egg yolks and San Marino spam. And not the good San Marino spam from Borgo Maggiore but the wax-like entrails from Chiesanuova. Marinus would not be pleased. And neither am I. Those damn fish keep a hopping. And my head keeps a throbbing. But where… and for what?

That question can be easily answered by consulting with my mystical orb. But not now. It’s time for dancing. The dancing of the wasps on the orchid-flavored cars. Wasps of fury. Wasps of dissent. They exist everywhere and within everyone. Only the wasps know. Afraid to embark upon the outside, I care not contemplate why my outlandishly, devilishly shallow lake is filled with so many colorful fish. Yahtzee time!

I am the 10-time World Champion of the Professional Yahtzee Coalition, or PYC as we call it. I know just how to shake the dice. I know which cubits to hold. I know which of the 13 rounds is the quadruple-straight round, and I know when to drop my three 1’s for the super wad. Yahtzee. My 1995 championship consisted of 6 yahtzees, which is a modern day record. I outscored my opponent, Ernest E. Ernesto by 537 points. The humiliation caused poor Ernest to retire that very day to his sheep farm in Manitoba.

Ernest unretired, not unlike the great Gloria Estefan, three years later and upset me in the 1999 South Africa Classic in one of the longest Yahtzee duels in modern history. We ended up tying eighteen consecutive times before I finally stumbled and settled on a first roll high quadruple-straight with a spare 5 when I should have bit the straight and gone balls out for the 5’s. The error caused me to lose my upper level rack, and ultimately the match. Ernest, as is his way, celebrated his return to the Yahtzee scene by embarking upon what can only be described as a dance voyage. The dance voyage lasted over 25 minutes, and culminated with Ernest naked except for a pair of fuzzy dice covering his genitalia, singing the Styx masterpiece "Lorelei" in Latin. Fortunately for Ernest E. Ernesto, and much to the consternation of Paul Tagliabue, celebration dances are not only welcomed in the PYC, but encouraged. Ernest received a $14,200 bonus for his dance voyage.

I was able to avenge that unfortunate defeat at the 2000 Olympic games in Sydney. I knew if Yahtzee was to remain an Olympic sport, I needed to make my assured victory as stunning as possible. I’m very arrogant when it comes to my Yahtzee capabilities. Ernest, as is his way, felt the same way. Ernest, however, was the media darling of the games. As the only representative of his native Andorra, Ernest was featured in many television features as the hero of the small European Principality. They even showed a parade held in his honor through the streets of Andorra La Vella. The townspeople created giant puppets shaped like Ernest for the occasion.

Due to his shocking comeback victory in the South Africa Classic, the media treated him as the favorite even though I had won all the other major events on the tour that year. Regardless, as an American, I was considered persona non grata during the games. Every time I picked up the dice flask, I was booed incessantly by the crowd. Australia, and as I later learned, the whole world was rallying around “poor Ernest” against the “evil American bohemiath Springtime Jones.” The BBC even did a piece on their Olympic’s coverage stating that the reason Ernest dropped off the Yahtzee radar for three years was because I had kidnapped and brainwashed him.

Unfazed, I struck back the only way I knew how, by kicking some ass, Yahtzee-style. I went through the entire opening round without losing one match. I was so cocky at one point that I allowed a super wad 6 to be ruled a 6-pack upper level rack. I beat the Canadian representative so badly in round three that he was catatonic for five hours and had to be rushed to a local hospital where he remained for four months.

After six days of heated preliminary matches, the medal rounds participants were finally decided. I was to battle Yolo Ulija of Rwanda in one semifinal match while Ernest went up against Fritz Schröeder of Germany in the other. I easily dispatched Yolo, but controversy filled the other match. Three times a French judge ruled that Fritz Schröeder had completed an illegal roll, which nullified two super wads and a full house. Ernest won the last match by one point due to the rulings. Fritz, and the entire German Yahtzee contingent walked out in protest and Yolo Ulija of Rwanda was awarded the Bronze medal by default.

The gold medal match was to occur the next day, but was delayed by an emergency meeting of the World Yahtzee Council to determine if the French judge’s actions were improper. The 15-hour, closed-door meeting yielded little results, and the gold medal match went on the next day. With the French judge conspicuously absent from the match, I had no trouble dispatching Ernest in a rather undignified manner. My margin of victory was so large that even the biased announcers had to concede my greatness. I don’t know if he finally felt the weight of Andorra on his shoulders or if he was just intimidated by my American flag tuxedo vest, my American flag jacket, my American flag pants, my American flag hat, my American flag tote bag, and my American flag face paint, but something got to him that day. He was powerless in the face of my all-mighty Yahtzee skills.

My celebration dance was short and sweet. I simply sang my favorite song, "Drinking My Blood Again" by The Yellow Jupiter Trilogy, then quietly exited stage left. The crowd gave a polite applause and also left.

Though only a demonstration game, Yahtzee was very popular among the natives and will no doubt be included in the 2004 Athens games, despite the anti-climactic final match. I can’t wait to once again wear the gold medal for my native United States, but first I must practice. And practice I will this weekend. “The Jewish/Muslim/Baptist Joint Religious Festival and Yahtzee Tournament” is being held in Dolomite, Alabama, and I don’t intend on losing.

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