Friday, December 05, 2003

Star Wars: Episode III

I met this guy yesterday in San Francisco near Mission Dolores Park. We started talking about the mayoral election when he mentioned he was George Lucas' personal assistant for the upcoming Star Wars film. I begged and cajoled him for details and he finally capitulated when I promised to play at his New Year's Eve Party next Monday. I promised not to tell anyone about what would happen, so don't tell anyone what you're about to read.

It will be revealed that Chewbacca is really the mother of Luke Skywalker. It will also be shown that Obi-Wan Kenobi and Yoda lied when they told Luke that he and Leia were twins. Princess Leia is really a droid, created by Darth Vader to infiltrate the rebellion in a similar manner to Gargamel creating Smurfette to infilitrate Smurf Village.

An important character will return from the original trilogy, Dengar. He will be the Emperor's bodyguard and will personally slaughter all of the Jedi children during the purge. The last third of the movie will showcase a duel between Dengar and another returning character, Lando Calrissian. The duel will leave Dengar badly injured and will finally explain why he had all those bandages in The Empire Strikes Back.

C3PO and Jar Jar Binks will team up throughout the movie as Intergalactic Private Detectives, investigating a group of rogue Ewoks that steal a sacred Jawa text that may explain the mysterious origins of Yoda. Hilarious high jinks ensue until both are eventually slaughtered by Greedo. The Ewoks get away with the text, and ironically, it is destroyed in The Return of the Jedi by C3PO2, a clone of C3PO. Yes, the C3PO in the original trilogy is a clone.

Another lie that will be revealed: Anakin Skywalker dies in Episode III. In the movies opening scene, Anakin, Obi-Wan, Mace Windu and Boba Fett are loading crates onto a Jedi Dreadnaught bound for Hoth. All of a sudden a meteor screams through the air and crushes Anakin before he is able to conjure up his Force abilities to protect himself. Obi-Wan and Boba stop loading. Mace looks at them and says, "Strange is the way of the Force." Obi-Wan winks at Boba, and Anakin's death is never mentioned again. It turns out that Darth Vader actually is Lando's twin brother Grando Calrissian. Grando will be played by Noah Wyle.

Other revelations:

That's all the details my new friend would tell me. He informed me that George would literally disembowel anyone who divulged details of his latest opus then turned and sprinted at full speed up the hill towards Church Street. I guess this was to insure that no one heard his secret. The only problem is that he never told me where he lived, so now I have no clue where to go play for his party. Oh well. If it's truly important word will get back to me. Either way, I now know what will happen in Episode III.

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