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Monday, March 01, 2004

Yesterday I awoke in a gutter on a dimly lit street somewhere in Butte, Montana. Big Sky Country is what the locals call it. Only when I awoke the sky was cloudy and dark. That might be ironic, I just don't know. I don't recall ever being to Montana before so I have no reference point. Suffice it to say, I have no memory of the last two months except for a few random events.

First, I'm pretty sure I shared a rum-flavored wine cooler in an uber-hip Manhattan discotech with Spiro Agnew, Leonard Nimoy and Barbara Bach. I don't remember how we ended up there, or who paid the cover. I just remember Spiro Agnew berating Barbara Bach for appearing in a Roger Moore James Bond film. Leonard Nimoy was pretty plastered and kept muttering something about "that bastard Bill." I remained silent knowing in my heart of hearts that the only true James Bond was George Lazenby. Unfortunately my silence ceased and I began screaming at the tops of my lungs "George Lazenby is God! Praise be George Lazenby!"

The next thing I remember, I was standing before the Honorable Judge Harold Lee Kijomaholo in Riverton, Wyoming. Apparently there's a law on the books in Fremont County, Wyoming that bans hitchhiking in a green speedo. Who knew? I blacked out when the judge said guilty and awoke in Butte.

Fortunately, this time, I was fully clothed.


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