Thursday, May 20, 2004

In Other Words AKA Project Moon Bar

With the help of my physicist friend Dr. Lando S. Dundelinger, I am in the planning phases of constructing a small vessel capable of taking myself and five companions to the lunar surface where I plan to construct the Moon’s first and only space bar which I plan on calling “Moon Cheers”. The vessel is a pyramid-shaped pod outfitted with a small bridge for myself and my pilot, a sleeping quarters, a common area (with kitchen), and a miscellaneous disposal room complete with a vacuum tube which will shoot all refuse into space.

To fuel the ship, Dr. Dundelinger has created a devise that will harness the mysterious ultrasonic, subetheral alpha waves that emit from our brain on a daily basis. These are the same waves that the government monitors, and why we all must line our dwellings with aluminum foil, shiny side out.

The device is a specially manufactured colander constructed of pure, concentrated gallium-arsenide alloy. Iridium wires wrapped in tantalum foil connect the colander to the specific alpha wave departure points on the skull. Dr. Dundelinger has used his many years of experience in phrenology to determine these precise departure points.

The colander is then plugged into the vessel’s engine just like a car battery. The only difference is that the wires that make the connection are a very precise weave of platinum, copper, and rhodium. Theoretically, the brain-powered vessel should make the trip from our secret airstrip in the hills outside San Francisco to Phil Fish Memorial Crater near the Moon’s equator in 17 hours, 10 minutes.

Because of the unusual but predictable patterns of brain alpha waves, we must use six brains to power the ship. Past experiments conducted with less than six brains have resulted in the catastrophic destruction to both the test subjects and to any living thing inside a ten-mile radius.

Dr. Dundelinger took part in many of these early government experiments in the early 1960’s. Though his personal records of the experiments were destroyed, his anecdotal tales are enough to scare the feathers off a live chicken. The vivid description of one test subject’s eyeballs melting literally made me sick.

Fortunately, Dr. Dundelinger made certain to store certain bits of information that could not be taken by the government when he was discredited, and later fired in 1965. One bit of information that he made sure not to forget, was lining the iridium wires with tantalum foil. The tantalum foil prevents interference from non-governmental brain wave scanners. The interference from these non-governmental brain wave scanners was highly diluting the power of the alpha waves as they left the brain. Tantalum foil acts as a filter, making the wave transfer impenetrable. The only waves the foil doesn’t stop, sub-gamma waves, are completely useless unless one wants to monitor how much someone secretly likes the television show “Dharma and Greg.”

Phase Two of Project Moon Bar (construction of the vessel) should be complete by the end of the month. Phase One consisted of us testing the brain wave engine. Myself, Juan the tambourine player, Homeless Pete, The Truth Mustafa, X Freedomrider, and Oliver Twist Squirrel Man took part in Phase One. We strapped ourselves into a 1990 Ford Festiva L and hooked the engine up to our 6 colanders designed by Dr. Dundelinger.

Phase One was a success. We were able to drive from Barrow, Alaska to Key West, Florida without once having to stop for gas.

Phase Three should begin after the vessel is constructed. As Dr. Dundelinger is very secretive about his space engine, I cannot share any further details about Phase Three. Suffice it to say, launch date is set for June 6, 2005.

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