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Tuesday, August 31, 2004

A Media Meltdown?

Chevrolet Vega v. Honda Civic

Friday, August 27, 2004

Educating Jeremy

"All of the lessons I learned from this organization will make me a rich man. Eventually, I think I'll start my own amateur business. I not only will provide housing and a positive working environment, I also will teach my employees the benefits of working as a team. And though I'll be making millions running this business, I will sympathetically tell my employees that paying them would corrupt the purity of my business and their learning experience. If they try to support themselves in other ways I find inappropriate, I'll dismiss them.

"And I'll laugh as I pull away in my Mercedes, because they're at my mercy, and I won't have to answer to anyone.
"

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

First Time for Israeli Anthem at Olympics

In response to Israel's first gold medal, the United Nations will be convening tomorrow to declare immediate sanctions against the IOC and Israel. The World Court has also announced that it will be charging the Israeli Government with "Conspiracy and Attempted Genocide."

The World Court stated that Israel unequivocally hatched a plot involving the United States, George W. Bush, NBC, Halliburton, Phillip Morris, Coca-Cola and The Swift Boat Veterans. A World Court spokesman said that they have "overwhelming" evidence that Israel bought off the aforementioned organizations as part of a plot to gain support for their Apartheid Wall through the West Bank. It is a self-evident fact that the Apartheid Wall is being built to slaughter and kill Palestinians. No discussion on this point can reasonably be made.

Israel bought the Gold Medal at the Olympics so that NBC would broadcast a positive story on the perfidious Zionists. The medal-winner, Gal Fridman, was merely a pawn in the complex operation. Israel prepared their propaganda disguised as a "feel-good story" for NBC complete with "multiple subliminal messages, off-speed backward masking, and overt imperialistic psychological symbolism" so that the ignorant citizens of the United States would be tricked into looking positively upon the Zionists and not question their continued construction of the evil, blood-soaked wall.

Nelson Mandella immediately spoke to the people of South Africa and the World declaring that the "selection" of Israel as the gold medalist in windsurfing is the "greatest tragedy mankind has ever witnessed." He continued by boldly stating, "the confiscation of Israel's fraudulent medal is no longer just an issue of sports, but a civil rights issue."

Mandella continued by calling on United States President George W. Bush to demand that Israel's selected medal be removed and "their name's stricken from the record books in perpetuity until the end of time."

He also stated that Bush should denounce the IOC, NBC, and the other organizations for their actions and "resign immediately" for his part in these "shameful, shameful events."

Mandella closed his speech by flatly saying, "You are wanted in the Hague, Herr Bush."


President Bush has refused comment.

Monday, August 23, 2004

Random baseball player for 08/23/2004:

Lyman Bostock

from BaseballLibrary.com

"Bostock, the son of Negro League player Lyman Bostock, Sr., appeared headed for stardom before he was fatally wounded in 1978. In 1976, he hit .323 and received the Calvin R. Griffith Award for the most improved Twin. In 1977, he finished second to teammate Rod Carew in the AL batting race (.336 to Carew's .388). The well-liked Alabaman was shot in Gary, Indiana, in the back seat of a car driven by his uncle. Police later arrested the estranged husband of one of two women in the car."

from FenwayNation.com

"The Lyman Bostock Award is bestowed from time to time on a player who demonstrates the character traits of the late Lyman Bostock. Bostock, one of the first breed of high-priced free agents, offered to give back his first month's salary after hitting only .150. Angels owner Gene Autry refused, and Bostock donated his salary for the month to charity. Bostock battled to get his average near .300 (.296), when he was tragically murdered in Gary, Indiana on September 23, 1978."

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Cubs sign Neifi Perez to minor league deal

With
Tom Goodwin and Ramon Martinez already on the roster, Dusty Baker continues his epic voyage to corner the market on week-hitting former San Francisco Giants' infielders. One of my baseball sources imbedded deep within the front office of a club I cannot name (for fear of defenestration) has verified that Baker is also trying to coax Jose Uribe, Johnnie LeMaster and Mike Aldrete out of retirement. The ultimate Dusty Baker lineup will look like this:

Starting Lineup
1. Tom Goodwin, CF
2. Jose Uribe, SS
3. Mike Aldrete, 1B
4. Glenallen Hill, RF
5. Rob Deer, LF
6. Kirt Manwaring, C
7. Ramon Martinez, 3B
8. Neifi Perez, 2B

Bench: Brian Johnson, Todd Benzinger, Dave Martinez, Mark Carreon, J.R. Phillips, Steve Scarsone, Doug Mirabelli, Marvin Benard, Russ Davis

Starting Rotation
1. Shawn Estes
2.William Van Landingham
(note: Dusty Baker likes his starters to pitch on one day's rest)

Long Relief: Mark Gardner
Bullpen: Salomon Torres, Pat Rapp, Julian Tavarez, Doug Creek
Closer: Shooter


The Price of Dissent in Venezuela

"The opposition, understandably shocked and demoralized, insisted on a hand-count of all computer voting receipts as the only way of settling the dramatic disparity between exit polls that showed 58% to 41% in favor of the recall and the announced result of 58% to 41% in favor of retaining Col. Chávez. Later that morning the most important observer, former President Jimmy Carter, declared that he was shown the computer tally by government supporters and that everything seemed in order. Mr. Carter then left Venezuela, and the opposition groups that had put their faith in him to facilitate a peaceful resolution to the crisis. Mr. Carter, who was vociferous and insistent about patience, transparency and hand-tallies during the Florida recount, left Venezuela to attend Mrs. Carter's birthday party."


Wednesday, August 18, 2004

FBI Expects Violence at GOP Convention

I'll be attempting to dissuade the mob by selling my homemade peach eucalyptus-sap cookies with rainbow sprinkles. It worked at the Democratic Convention in Boston. A group of Lyndon LaRouche supporters were trying to use their Jedi mind powers to telepathically remove the skin of Joe Lieberman to prove once and for all that he is actually a member of the British Royal Family that has infiltrated the Democratic party to perpetuate the Drug War for the benefit of the House of Windsor, the Bilderbergers, the John Birch Society, and the International House of Pancakes.

I also used my cookies to constipate a group of UC Berkeley students that were planning to deficate for George W. Bush. I wasn't exactly sure what they hoped to accomplish by their display. They just gave me the address of a website and scurried away. I was hoping to check it out as soon as I got to a computer, but was thwarted by the Lyndon LaRouche supporters.


Child Pimp & Ho Costumes

Nothing to add.


Tuesday, August 17, 2004

TMQ's AFC preview, plus the mysterious mystical law of 1,000 plays

"Every day is one step closer to the single-most important thing in all of the observable universe -- NFL opening weekend and the resumption of real games that count."


Monday, August 16, 2004

Wordcount

Random Rankings:

#18584: zebra
#25823: wonderland
#34254: bricklayer
#48360: tambourine
#59018: xylophone
#69274: normalcy
#79991: mondo
#84789: encrustation



Police: He hit the water, then the crack pipe

"We kept calling out 'Get out of the car! You're going to drown!'" Suffolk Police Officer Armand Reyes said. "But the only thing we heard was the sound of his lighter going click, click, click."


Thursday, August 12, 2004

The Tambourine Players Hall of Fame

I will be petitioning for Juan's entry.


John Kerry’s Bodyguard of Lies

"And it is time for the press to look into the charges brought by the Swiftvets. The Swiftvets have depositions, phone numbers, on the record statements, and for all of the innuendo from the Kerry apparatchiks, not one of the Swiftvets has enjoyed a fancy hotel room paid for by the Bush campaign, much less gone on a campaign tour with the candidate. It is easy to see what the nine Kerry crew members are getting out of their 15 minutes of fame. But what's in it for the 254 Swiftvets? It is important to answer that question in considering their charges."


"Kerry for President" Collectible Playing Cards

Impress your friends by breaking out these bad boys at your next Bridge Tournament!


T.O. needs to hit the books

"Commissioner Tagliabue and his gaggle of henchmen should be ashamed of themselves for overseeing the type of oppression being forced upon NFL players each season. Denying these well-paid men the right to dance, pick up hidden cell phones, snatch off their helmets and draw attention to themselves is a form of slavery more insidious than anything Jefferson Davis had in mind."


Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Creation Boot Camp

Sign up today! Learn how dinosaurs are a nefarious liberal plot to socialize health care, legalize incest, and ultimately elevate Bill Clinton to the U.S Presidency, and eventually, King of the World! See our crack bible scientists prove once and for all that God loves all living things except for fags and Jews! Watch new footage from the early 1900's in which French and German "archaeologists" plant skeletal fragments that they would later excavate and claim were "Neanderthals"! If you don't leave 100% certain that Darwin is a blaspehmous tool of Satan and Abraham Lincoln, we'll kindly refund your money!


Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Man Arrested After Allegedly Taping Uptown Buildings

I got into similar trouble back in 1998 for videotaping Madonna's chateau.


Monday, August 09, 2004

Bush Needs to Be Dismembered and Fed to Jackals Who Will Barf Up The Chunks For the Maggots To Consume, by Garrison Franken

Friday, August 06, 2004

Rick James, RIP

Cocaine is a helluva drug.


Major League Baseball At-Bat Music

I report, I decide.


Thursday, August 05, 2004

Everybody that disagrees with me is a Fascist.

That is all.

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