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Friday, October 15, 2004

ALCS Prediction (Part III)

Game 5: (Fenway Park) Bud Selig refuses to cancel the game despite 12 straight hours of rain. On the first pitch of the game (lead off home run to Jeter), Schilling plant's wrong and completely shatters his ankle. The bullpen is worse as Red Sox fans endure a massacre at the hands of the hated Yankees. To save their bullpen, Joe Torre allows Jason Giambi to pitch the 7th, 8th, & 9th innings. He strikes out 6, walks 1 and allows no hits. Still shocked from the ending to Game 4, Tim McCarver says nothing but "Derek Jeter" throughout the entire broadcast, shattering the record he set in Game 1. The Department of Mathematics at Massachusetts Institute of Technology will spend the remainder of their semester calculating the mentions of Jeter by McCarver. Meanwhile, Joe Buck decides to channel Dan Rather by ending each inning with the word "courage"
NYY 26 BOS 3
(Boston leads series 3-2)


Tuesday, October 12, 2004

ALCS Prediction (Part II)

Game 4: (Fenway Park) Good times all around to start this one. Red Sox Nation wants a sweep. Instead of batteries, Red Sox management hands out firecrackers to throw at Yankee's right-fielder Gary Sheffield. To denigrate Yankee's left-fielder Hideki Matsui, a local artist paints a mural portraying Godzilla stomping on the Tokyo Tower. Aside from that unpleasantness, Yankee starter Mike Mussina gets shelled. 4 runs in the 1st, 3 in the 2nd, and 2 in the 3rd before he's ultimately pulled for Esteban Loiaza. Things get worse for the Yankees in the 5th inning when Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter each make 2 errors that lead to 3 more runs. Meanwhile, Boston starter Curt Schilling is pitching flawlessly. At the conclusion of the 5th inning, Joe Buck somberly notes that there are 12 more outs to go.

By the 7th inning stretch, Boston is up 13-0. Red Sox management decides to spice up the occasion by forgoing the traditional singing of "God Bless America" to burn a giant statue of Frank Sinatra in effigy. After the demonstration, the din of Red Sox fans at Fenway Park is deafening. Tim McCarver compares the sound to the power of a Bob Gibson fastball while a somber Joe Buck notes that there are 6 more outs to go.

"3 more outs to go" chimes a somber Joe Buck as the 9th inning begins at Fenway Park. Boston sends in Derek Lowe to hold the Red Sox' 13-run lead. The first Yankee batter, Kenny Lofton weekly hits the second pitch right back to Lowe. Lowe throws to first, one away and the Red Sox faithful are in orgasmic ecstasy. "Yankees Suck!!!" can be heard all throughout Massachusetts. Ben Affleck has removed his clothing and is riverdancing on the Yankee's dugout.

"2 more outs to go" chimes a somber Joe Buck as the second batter, Miguel Cairo approaches the plate. Cairo duplicates Lofton's at-bat, but with greater efficiency, by hitting the first pitch back to Lowe. After the second out is made at first Derek Lowe grabs his crotch and moonwalks around the mound while pointing directly at Derek Jeter standing on deck.

"And the Yankees are down to their final out" chimes a somber Joe Buck. Tim McCarver uses his color commentator slot to recite a special poem he'd been saving for just this moment, Derek Jeter's final at-bat. Red Sox fans have stopped chanting "Yankees Suck!!!" and switched to "Jeter Has AIDS!!!" Despite the noise, Jeter manages to single up the middle. "Despite the obvious class of Derek Jeter, this may be too little too late for the Yankees," says Tim McCarver as Jeter takes a small lead off first. The next batter is Alex Rodriguez. By now, Red Sox Nation has completely forgotten about the game and is already singing the Queen anthem "We Are The Champions" They hardly notice when Alex Rodriguez hits one hard off the Green Monster. Manny Ramirez, who has been staring at his hand since the Miguel Cairo at-bat, doesn't realize the ball has been hit until Rodriguez is standing at third with a stand up triple. Boston 13 New York 1.

The next batter is Gary Sheffield. Joe Buck decides that it would be appropriate to discuss steroids and his intense hatred for Barry Bonds as they have for all the Sheffield at-bats during the series. Sheffield hits a double in the gap and it's 13-2. Hideki Matsui is the next batter. Lowe throws the first pitch at his head. Fortunately, the 62 MPH pitch lightly carroms off his helmet, and Matsui is on first. "In Japan, players are used to getting hit in the head with baseballs" says McCarver.

Bernie Williams is the next batter. The Red Sox announcers mistakenly announce John Tesh. Williams angrily points his bat at the PA announcer and proceeds to hit the first pitch completely over the Monster and the Yankees have cut the deficit to 13-5. Doug Mientkiewicz quickly wakes up Terry Francona, who has been drinking and celebrating since the 6th inning and informs him that he may want to warm someone up in the bullpen. Francona calls for Timlin. In the interim, Posada pops up the first pitch to first. Kevin Millar loses it in the lights and Posada is safe at first.

Francona has seen enough and calls for Timlin. Timlin quickly warms up and is ready for John Olerud. The John Olerud at bat lasts 29 pitches. Tim McCarver compares it to the time Pete Rose successfully won on a 14-game parlay during week 10 of the 1979 NFL season. Olerud eventually walks.

"Your attention please," begins the PA, "now batting for Miguel Cairo, steroids and AIDS victim Jason Giambi." The crowd takes time out of its Babylonian revelry to, as Joe Buck would put it, "vociferously heckle the diseased Yankees firstbaseman." Giambi struggles to the plate looking more like 1987 Mark McGwire than the vision we're used to. Giambi valiantly stretches the count full. Giambi then hits the 3-2 pitch out to left for a 3-run homer. He then gimps around the bases a la Kirk Gibson in the 1988 World Series, including the arm pump as he crosses second. Boston 13 New York 8 and Red Sox Nation is silent.

Francona has had enough. Foulke time. As Foulke warms up, the Red Sox crowd gains a little more confidence. There's no way our star closer will blow a 5-run lead with 2 outs in the 9th. Kenny Lofton is the first batter. Lofton, not wanting to ground out on 2 pitches again, takes the first 2 pitches. 0-2 count. Lofton slams his bat against the ground in disgust and slightly cracks the barrel. "Bats, they are sick. I cannot hit curveball. Straightball I hit it very much. Curveball, bats are afraid. I ask Jobu to come, take fear from bats," reasons Lofton. The next pitch is a little outside, but straight, and Lofton manages to squibb it in the general direction of first. Kevin Millar, who has been winking at Ben Affleck during the at-bat gets a late break toward the ball, and Lofton beats him to the bag.

"Something interesting may be brewing here in Boston tonight" chimes in Joe Buck. Tim McCarver adds, "they must be feeding off of Derek Jeter." As Derek Jeter steps into the box, the Red Sox fans cheer up a bit and once again begin their "Jeter Has AIDS!!!" chant. Jeter is unfazed and cooly laces a double between Johnny Damon and Manny Ramirez. Cairo and Lofton score and the Yankees have cut the deficit to 3 runs. The next batter is Alex Rodriguez, and the crowd amends it's previous chant to "Jeter Has AIDS From Gay-Rod!!!" Alex Rodriguez is equally unfazed and hits his own double to the exact same spot. Boston 13 New York 11.

"At what point do Red Sox fans start wondering if there's such things as curses?" chimes a somber yet inquisitive Joe Buck. "Right about now" chuckles McCarver.

"Now batting, Gary 'Anabolic' Sheffield!" followed by more boos. "Yankees Suck!!!" returns as the chant de jure. "I bet he's wishing he never met Barry Bonds right about now," proclaims McCarver. But Sheffield is equally unfazed by the Red Sox caterwauling. Foulke throws the first two pitches right by Sheffield and it's quickly 0-2. McCarver reasons, "with Foulke ahead 0-2 in the count, I don't think even Derek Jeter can save them now."
Gary Sheffield then hits the next pitch over the center field wall and the game is tied and somewhere Peter Gammons weeps.

And then it was 13-13 with Hideki Matsui standing at the plate. The crowd inside Fenway Park is dead silent except for a lone heckler repeatedly screaming "Hiroshima!!!" The atomic bomb chant refuses to catch on with the fans, but does with Matsui who singles to left. Francona, aside from being piss drunk, is now paralyzed with fear. He remains frozen on the bench and allows a very rattled Foulke to pitch to Bernie Williams. The first pitch to Williams is wide right and rolls to the backstop. Matsui to second. 1-0 count. Foulke overcompensates on the next pitch and sends it wide left and back to the backstop. Matsui to third. 2-0 count. The next pitch is right back to Foulke. The Red Sox Nation sighs yet Foulke doesn't. Foulke freaks out and throws the ball home, two feet over the head of Varitek. Matsui easily scores. The Red Sox get a reprieve when Williams heads to second and is nailed by Varitek. Inning over but the damage is done. Boston 13 New York 14.

The bottom of the 9th inning gives hope to the Red Sox. Boston manages to load the bases with no outs, but the dreaded Manny Ortez monster never forms. David Ortiz ends the game on a rare unassisted triple play by Derek Jeter. The excitement causes Tim McCarver to begin singing "You Light Up My Life" to the Yankee shortstop. Joe Buck signs off the broadcast with "Wow." 38,000 Red Sox fans go home and beat their wives.
NYY 14 BOS 13
(Boston leads 3-1)



Monday, October 11, 2004

ALCS Prediction (Part I)

Game 1: (Yankee Stadium) Curt Schilling pitches a Greg Maddux-like complete game shutout on 79 pitches. Like Voltron, David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez merge to form the dreaded Manny Ortez monster and homer four times. Tim McCarver mentions Derek Jeter's name 415 times, breaking a record set during Game 5 of the 2001 World Series when he mentioned Jeter's name 394 times.
BOS 11 NYY 0
(Boston leads 1-0)

Game 2: (Yankee Stadium) Pedro Martinez conquer's his "daddy" by holding the Yankees to 3 runs in 7 innings. Lieber blows up as the dreaded Manny Ortez monster knocks him out of the game in the 2nd inning after giving up 9 runs including a back-breaking grand slam on a misplaced 0-2 pitch. Later in the game, Joe Buck morphs into Bob Costas for a half inning and muses about the Red Sox Davey conquering the Yankee's Goliath. Tim McCarver compares winning the 1980 World Series with Pete Rose to a two-out, bases empty ground rule double hit by Ruben Sierra in the 9th inning. Joe Buck explains that no one is quite as classy as Joe Torre.
BOS 13 NYY 4
(Boston leads 2-0)

Game 3: (Fenway Park) Instead of Thunderstix, the Red Sox management hands out batteries to throw at Yankee's right-fielder Gary Sheffield. Bronson Arroyo channels Bob Gibson and inexplicably pitches 9 innings of one-hit shutout ball, including 18 strikeouts. Yankee's starter Kevin Brown channels Kevin Brown circa 1997 and matches him inning for inning giving up just three hits. In the top of the 11th, the Yankees manage to strike first when random outfielder Kenny Lofton hits a 2-out three-run home run off Keith Foulke. Dejected, the Red Sox come to bat in the bottom of the 11th against Mariano Rivero. Two outs, nobody on, the Red Sox rally. Trot Nixon bloops a single in front of Hideki Matsui. Doug Mientkiewicz leans into an inside pitch and is hit on the elbow. Jason Varitek hits a weak grounder to "A-Rod" who misplays the ball. The bases are now loaded for Orlando Cabrera who hits the ball over the Green Monster for a grand slam, walk-off home run. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver remain silent for three minutes as the Red Sox fans chant in unison "Yankees suck." Tim McCarver mumbles something about Derek Jeter while Joe Buck fumbles with his thesaurus for the proper adjective to describe the Red Sox victory. The Fox telecast ends with a shot of Ben Affleck breakdancing on top of the visitor's dugout.
BOS 4 NYY 3
(Boston leads 3-0)

Monday, October 04, 2004

Hot Gossip:


Friday, October 01, 2004

Note to self:

Jedi are scum.

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