Monday, October 11, 2004

ALCS Prediction (Part I)

Game 1: (Yankee Stadium) Curt Schilling pitches a Greg Maddux-like complete game shutout on 79 pitches. Like Voltron, David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez merge to form the dreaded Manny Ortez monster and homer four times. Tim McCarver mentions Derek Jeter's name 415 times, breaking a record set during Game 5 of the 2001 World Series when he mentioned Jeter's name 394 times.
BOS 11 NYY 0
(Boston leads 1-0)

Game 2: (Yankee Stadium) Pedro Martinez conquer's his "daddy" by holding the Yankees to 3 runs in 7 innings. Lieber blows up as the dreaded Manny Ortez monster knocks him out of the game in the 2nd inning after giving up 9 runs including a back-breaking grand slam on a misplaced 0-2 pitch. Later in the game, Joe Buck morphs into Bob Costas for a half inning and muses about the Red Sox Davey conquering the Yankee's Goliath. Tim McCarver compares winning the 1980 World Series with Pete Rose to a two-out, bases empty ground rule double hit by Ruben Sierra in the 9th inning. Joe Buck explains that no one is quite as classy as Joe Torre.
BOS 13 NYY 4
(Boston leads 2-0)

Game 3: (Fenway Park) Instead of Thunderstix, the Red Sox management hands out batteries to throw at Yankee's right-fielder Gary Sheffield. Bronson Arroyo channels Bob Gibson and inexplicably pitches 9 innings of one-hit shutout ball, including 18 strikeouts. Yankee's starter Kevin Brown channels Kevin Brown circa 1997 and matches him inning for inning giving up just three hits. In the top of the 11th, the Yankees manage to strike first when random outfielder Kenny Lofton hits a 2-out three-run home run off Keith Foulke. Dejected, the Red Sox come to bat in the bottom of the 11th against Mariano Rivero. Two outs, nobody on, the Red Sox rally. Trot Nixon bloops a single in front of Hideki Matsui. Doug Mientkiewicz leans into an inside pitch and is hit on the elbow. Jason Varitek hits a weak grounder to "A-Rod" who misplays the ball. The bases are now loaded for Orlando Cabrera who hits the ball over the Green Monster for a grand slam, walk-off home run. Joe Buck and Tim McCarver remain silent for three minutes as the Red Sox fans chant in unison "Yankees suck." Tim McCarver mumbles something about Derek Jeter while Joe Buck fumbles with his thesaurus for the proper adjective to describe the Red Sox victory. The Fox telecast ends with a shot of Ben Affleck breakdancing on top of the visitor's dugout.
(Boston leads 3-0)

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